paige089's Xanga

What are three reasons why you love the country you live in?

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 00:33:52 GMT

1) i was born here

2) my family and friends are here

3) i dont speak another language lol

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Falling...

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 00:46:19 GMT

Please don't let me be making a big mistake. I know I've got you back, I know I never really lost you. But something's forcing me to put up walls between us. I dont know why, but I hope its only because of the last few weeks and not something greater. I think I'm falling for this boy, falling for him hard.

=(

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 01:26:31 GMT

Sometimes I just don't want to wake up in the morning.
The only thing that brightened my day is no longer around.
I've done the drugs to find brief moments of happiness, both legally and illegally. Nothing compaired to the way my heart sped up just with a look from him. He thinks hes saving me from getting back into drugs, he thinks he's making my life better by not being with me. But he's wrong, it's killing me. Litterally and in all seriousness, killing me.

I'd like some insight....

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 01:52:59 GMT

I have a very short fuse when it comes to my temper. I get angry easily and if the person that angers me continues to draw on the conversation, my anger only builds. If I am able to get them to stop talking, or to remove myself from the situation in order to 'think pleasant thoughts' lol then I'm able to calm down and forget that I've gotten angry. My mom seems to think that I am just closed-minded and if I were to listen to the person thats making me angry that I'd be 'pleasantly surprised'. The only way that I can get my anger to go away is to think of something else and try to ignore that person, listening to it only makes me explode. Yet, she insists that if I were to just try her theory I'd realize she were right. If I were to try this theory, it wouldn't be me being surprised, it would be whoever I pop in the mouth. I'm not the type that likes resulting to violence, but I just don't really think about it when I get that angry. Now the 2nd thing that kinda irritates me, she, my mom, also claims to know that I don't think I can change. (She's wrong) She thinks she has the right to tell me how I think, like she's up in my mind buddy buddy with my conscience or something. Now what I'm asking you readers, if I have somewhat of an idea of how to deal with my own feelings and I know that that her idea isn't going to work from past experiences, should I try that anyways? Also, am I right that she has no right to tell me what I do and do not think?

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 20:33:31 GMT

It's been 3 years since I've dated anyone. I'm only just now getting over Cody, and he wasn't even the guy I dated 3 years ago, just a causal thing turned love-story. There's a guy I work with, he's on security. I apparently have been so out of touch with a guy actually flirting with me that I didn't realize that he was doing just that. He's older than I am, which I like, attractive, and has a great personality. Now the con's, he's married, and also talking to my supervisor, who is a good friend. Yesterday I just thought that he was being friendly, just a joke, by pulling on my jacket and sayin okay I will when the guard opened the slider and told him to take the trash out (which is what I was doin). We both laughed, sooo it sounds friendly right? Harmless. Right? I have a problem with saying too much, and I thought it was funny so I shared when I got back to the unit. Angela tried to cover up the fact that she obviously read more into it than I did at the time. As I was leaving today, I passed him and he playfully shoved me with a grin on his face.
I'm not really sure how to deal with this. Flirt back? Ignore it? Tell Angela? Tell him to quit?
If I flirt back, not only will I end up back the same way I was 6 months ago, but it will hurt Angela.
Ignoring it might just make it worse, but it might make it go away I suppose.
Angela would flip if I told her, maybe I'll tell Lauri or Juanda, or maybe I won't tell anyone I work with.
Like I would really tell him to quit, I LOVE the attention. It's much needed, I just wish there were different circumstances.

What is one thing you want to accomplish during the new year?

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 03:41:08 GMT

i want to stop being antisocial. not the psychiactric term for antisocial, but the meaning where i avoid all social interaction at any cost.

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I'm in a major funk or something....it's just lasting a long time I guess

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 02:33:46 GMT

I'm kind of starting to wonder if something's actually wrong with me. I always feel like something's missing, and I'm close to being done with giving any effort. I feel like a bitch or something cuz I don't have much control over my temper anymore. 2008 wasn't a good year for me, from the unimaginable into a downward spiral, to being isolated. Now I just feel like a shell, just an empty person who's simply.....existing. I feel stupid even writing this. I'm an amazing actor, let me just put on a happy face before I think about deleting this. When you don't share what's inside you, you tend to have to know how to act in order to not get looks of sympathy. I hate sharing things, hate it. I'm closed off or something. I try not to let anyone know how badly I want to break down. I don't know anymore....

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Mon, 22 Dec 2008 01:46:50 GMT

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Are you an organ donor? Why or why not?

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 04:53:54 GMT

yeah, cuz once im dead what use do i have for it. might as well let someone that can find them useful take advantage of it.

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I really miss my best friend

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:22:02 GMT

I've been friends with her for like 8 years, and we got in a big fight in October, and hadn't talked since. I knew eventually I'd run into her when I went grocery shopping since she works there. I never felt so stupid, crying in the grocery store. I was in the express line and she switched with the checker when I got up to them. Being friendly and asking how much weight I had lost so far since I've been on this diet. I tried to answer, I had been holdng back tears the entire time I was in the line when I saw her, and for once I couldn't say anything and I just started crying. That made her cry too and then we hugged and I told her I was sorry and she said she missed me a lot. I wish things were easier. I miss my best friend a lot, I hope we can fix everything.